Chaos;Head Noah (General)

[FuwaRei00]

I'm so glad that I started reading C;HN btw. Rlly, I didn't know that there was peak so close to S;G. Sadly I don't know if it's just me, or if the story is designed in that way, but I can't get enough emotional climax even in the most bizzare moments. Delusions and confusion make everything like wtf, maybe little tense and that's all. But steins gate made me cry full waterfalls. I started chapter 8 now.

[Steve]

there is peak everywhere for those with the eyes to see

[FuwaRei00]

Fuwa's playthrough — ?

Playing through chapter 7 now.
Loving the story even more. I didn't expect this turn of events. I finally semi understand the mechanics of that world. Takumi is closer than ever to replace Okabe from my favorite protag. Since my last report, there had been a lot of plot twists. Nothing is as simple as it had seemed to be.

Spoiler

It's more confusing than ever if shogun is actually evil, or if he has different motives behind him. There's definitely something odd about him, and about Rimi too. With Shogun, his childlike voice, it just makes me feel like he isn't a person of his own. And with Rimi there's a discrepancy of what actually happened at the crucifixion scene and what Takumi saw. There wasn't any blood there to begin with. Plus that scene of her talking with shogun... Something is wrong.

What was the most messed up was that Nanami's hand scene. It made me feel extremely anxious. The whole plotline with the o front was one of my favorite moments so far. Especially when Takumi had to get his di sword. I managed to notice it before shogun had ever said anything about it. And that death scene with that door selection, I was honestly surprised.

[Part deleted since made me feel bad]

I'm in the middle of playing through chapter 9 as of right now. Why? Just tell my why do I resonate so much with this VN? Why is my choice here just like what I'd done in the worst moment of my life? Why did I predict so many moments from the VN 1:1? This experience is so bizzare, it sometimes really makes me think that I influenced the story with some kind of delusionary powers. And it was like this from the beginning, I still remember that unbelievable experience of deja vu.

I think that Takumi is officially my protag #1

Spoiler

Btw I'm talking about Takumi wanting to step down the road. I chose green delusion here... And the result is the same thing that happened to me, the same kind of hesitatance and lack of courage that Takumi had also experienced. I wrote about this story some time ago -- in my last post, but soon after waking up I decided to remove it, since it made me feel bad to doom here. But this experience once again highlighted to me that it might be worth sharing. The VN reminded me of that situation from my life for the second time, this time literally.

[The part I deleted since it made me feel bad in the last post. Basically 1:1 to the green delusion scene, describing my story but in relation to chapter 7.]

The thing that hit me the most however was on my today's playthrough. It was after Takumi went to school after that incident. He was ridiculed and everything, that's not the point tho. His behavior after he left school reminded me a lot about one of my worst moments ever. I understood how he felt so much. All of his thoughts from before "I may die so I can do xyz whatever I don't care", reminded me how it feels to feel utter despair, so strong that you don't even want to pretend to play your part in life, but to just laugh it off and decide to do unbelievable things. Back when he was on the street, wishing to die, it really made me remember a moment of mine. There was a moment not so long ago in my life, when I had the most painful thoughts in my mind, so chronic, they happened nearly every day, I couldn't stand them anymore. One day I was reminded by someone of something very trivial, a small mistake but one that carried permanent effects. I couldn't stand my fault, combined with what I beared in my heart, it was just too much. I quickly rushed outside, with tears flowing and a sense of agony. Being outside in a public space. I stood on a sidewalk near a road with fast cars. And I had an extremely vivid delusion. I could feel my legs wanting to move and moving, rushing for the street to get hit by something, to shut off that consciousness immediately, oh... That feeling is so vivid that I can still remember it. That feeling to just shut it off as fast as possible and restart. However my legs didn't actually move. I didn't have the courage. After that it took a day and more to recover. Thankfully it was a couple months ago and now I somehow found a way to feel less pain just by ignoring those painful thoughts. I know that this is probably not the end of it, but I'll try to enjoy my peace for as long as I can. While being busy I somehow feel much better, even if I have to study daily. Being busy with a goal of acing graduation exams districts me from myself. I can be happy if I delude myself to be so. I can ace my graduation exams if I delude myself to do so. Everything is about delusion isn't it? I don't think that Chaos;Head is a healthy story for me.

[FuwaRei00]

While Steins;Gate might've been an amazing story with motivation and suffering, about not giving up and having the people around you aid you with help. Chaos;Head for me is a story that hits raw, like cold concrete. Sure, it has its fun and denpa moments, but the protagonist and certain moments make you face reality. Is this story rlly made for losers like me? For a deluded person about themselves like me? I hate that I'm closer to being a Takumi than any other character from SciADV. I'm not as perverted or paranoid, or shut in, or loser like him, but I feel like I'm much closer to that than the average person is. And I have a delusion about myself as well. If I was in the same circumstances of living in a container like him, without anyone caring about me, I'd have probably turned out the same. But I recognize that it's not the case. I recognize that I can be much better. I recognize that I might not be very social, but I'm not a shut in either. I recognize that if I study, I might have a chance at something greater. I'm not saying that I'm Takumi. There's probably much more people that are orders of magnitude worse off than me. I might as well be a normie compared to them. I don't want to larp as Takumi. It's just that I've never seen a character reflect those parts of me before.